Thankful for the Darkness

I couldn’t think of anything to write today, so I started going through my journal, looking for something I had written in the past. I tell my journal everything. I’ve had it since 2002, so a good 10 years. As I skimmed my earlier entries, I found myself transported back into a time in my life where I was filled with self-hate, low self-esteem and downright nihilism. I dealt with depression, suicidal thoughts, internal conflicts about being a mother. I didn’t feel worthy of love. I actually wrote that someone was better than I am and had no reason to love me…Wow.

I have come a loooong way since then. I don’t really know what did it; I can’t name a specific incident or person that awakened me to the beauty that is me. When I think about it, it was a community of people, a collection of incidents, just life itself. I’m actually thankful for those dark times. It tested my fortitude. I know that I’m strong enough to handle what life throws at me. I’m thankful that I didn’t give in to my suicidal tendencies. I’m thankful that I allowed life to play out. I’m thankful that I’ve grown and that I continue to grow. I know many people my age and older who have not gotten out of that dark, depressing well of self-hate. Some people say I can be a little too sure of myself. Hell yeah. After I’ve been where I’ve been, I’d be a fool not to know how amazing I am.

I still get the blues sometimes. I get down. I retreat into my cave. But never to the depths that I was back then. I’m glad I keep my journal; when I was younger I would throw them away. I can only imagine what I’d find if I read my entries from middle and high school (the torturous years). I wish I’d kept them, at least to give to my daughter to show her that everyone goes through it, but the point is to come through it.

I don’t write in my journal as much as I used to. As I’ve said in a previous post, I’m a lot busier than I used to be 2,3 years ago. But I definitely plan to make more time for it, and other things that aid in my blossoming. Writing has saved my life.

Blog By Nitra

How To Deal WithOut Motivation AND Be Happy

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed and lacking motivation. Its hard for me to write and its even harder to work.  Having just experienced the final breakup to my on again, off again, I think I’m entitled to feel this way.. Some call it a pity party, I call it just dealing and embracing my emotions so that I can heal and move on.

In looking for guest posts for this week, I came across this blog and thought it was perfect.  I know I’m not the only one feeling like that, so I’m sure this will touch someone like it touched me.  So I want to thank New Day Lifestyle for this right on time blog.

To View The Original Blog Click Here 

Of course, I like to think of myself as energetic and passionate and driven…but every now and then I feel that I run out…of fuel to drive me. NO, not like I don’t want to live – I just run out of ambition, forget the normally constant desire to become something better that I currently am. I hear it happens to everyone.

Actually, I read about it – again, in the book by Barbara Sher (Wishcraft). She claims everyone, including the most successful people go through lows and highs and actually claims the most successful ones have even more extreme lows and highs. And they take maximum advantage of the highs and know how to deal with the lows, know that the lows are just part of the process. Also read about this in a blog a couple of weeks ago…the same idea compared to the process of surfing. The “high” is when you are riding the wave and everything seems to magically align to take you closer to your goal, to put the right circumstances across your path, to make you meet the right people…the “low” is when you reach the beach, need to turn around and start paddling against the ripples of the waves – takes some hard work! The author suggested the trick is to be aware of the cycle, to understand that it is all normal and part of the process, that the paddling is necessary before one could enjoy the wave. And just like surfing – it’s not perfectly timed. Some waves are better than others and take you further and some times you need to summon your patience and wait for a while for a good wave. But it’s all there – the potential of many many waves to come.

There have been times when I seriously questioned my sanity or at least my normality. I thought I was rather exceptional with my highs and lows. I could not understand myself – how I could be so focused, motivated, devoted, hard-working and successful at some times (or…as I like to think…most of the times) and then feel lazy, useless, sloppy and incapable of anything noteworthy at other times. Also, it is weird that those can last for different durations. As in, sometimes the “cycle” will happen in just two days and other times it takes more than a month.

So confusing as all this still is to me, a couple of things are clear:

1. This is really not helpful. I have goals and dreams and I want to go out there and get them, I want to make them happen (high). That is until I don’t want to do anything anymore (low). This inconsistency really messes things up. I make plans and I count on work getting done but then find myself completely resistant to the idea of working.

2. I cannot just push through it. When I hit a low…I just cannot force myself to act in the same way as when I’m working at full capacity. I can manage…but I don’t excel.

3. I need some coping mechanism. And there must be one too!

So I’m thinking…if I cannot be my normal efficient self…then perhaps all I could do is surrender to the low. Accept that it is there and there is no way ignoring it or trying to act all “business as usual”. Then all I have left to do is try and make the best of it. You feel like you have no motivation for anything? It is fine! Really, people don’t die because of being demotivated (we have instincts to make sure we eat and drink and sleep even if we cannot find motivation for anything else). Now, one important trick here is not to try and kill time doing pointless things – if anything, that only makes the whole situation worse as it makes me feel more useless and more incapable. And trying to do anything “nice” (physical exercises, learning something useful, being useful to others) is out of question because those require at least some motivation. So…the final solution:

Do a little bit of something you enjoy doing. Do some more. Then just indulge!

If the only things you enjoy doing are mountain hiking and white water rafting but the effort of organizing it all seems too much then…tough luck! But I am sure most people have a nice favorite activity that is easy to at least just start. I like to read fiction. So when some 2 weeks ago I hit an especially annoying patch of “don’t feel like doing anything productive” I went on amazon and ordered myself the Hunger Games trilogy. Been reading it for the past three and a half days and just finished the last pages. And somehow…sinking into the books…forgetting the rest of the world…just me doing something I enjoy…it has rejuvenated me. Really. I have indulged and it has left me satisfied and rested – something even the Easter holiday could not achieve. And now, I feel like a perfect new wave is just coming.

What are some ways that you get your motivation back when you feel its missing?

When feeling a lack of motivation, do you beat yourself up or do you embrace it for what its worth?

Has a short-term lack of motivation ever turned into long-term depression for you?

How did you pull yourself out of the depression?