Sex, Motherhood and the Teenage Daughter

My oldest daughter turns 14 this year. I lost my virginity exactly one month after my 14th birthday. Guess who’s nervous. I don’t know about all mothers, but one of my greatest fears is that my children will repeat my mistakes. I led a very “lesson-filled” youth. And I’ve held on to those lessons so I can hopefully guide my daughters in such a way so that they will circumvent all the “tests” I had to go through. I realize that this is not up to me, but as I mentioned in my post last week, I have control issues, okay? So I’m working on it. I’m trying to learn to let go. I’m pretty much forced to let go. My firstborn lives in another state with her father and stepmother, and although I really get down about us not being together, I believe that the distance has strengthened our relationship. When I lived there, I was the hard-ass mom who was always pushing, always trying to control. Being away has forced me to relinquish some of that control and just guide. It has done wonders for our communication. We talk a lot, mostly about boys and school, but  in general, we talk about life, the type of person she wants to be, how to maintain her inner light when people around her are trying to dim it, and so on.

Now that she is “that age” I’ve really begun to think about how to talk to her about sex in a way that is age appropriate but not too explicit, which I am known to be sometimes – we were Skyping the other day and I told her I had to take a shit. Yeah, I’m that mom. We’ve always talked about sex, probably since she was around 5 or 6, but now is the time to really get down to business. I’ve decided to be as open and honest as possible about the issue. I’m a very sexual woman, so I can’t/won’t lie and say that sex is bad and gross and doesn’t feel good. Although I’m very much a believer in waiting until the time is right, and the person is right (I’m going through my own sex sabbatical now, but that’s another post for another day), I won’t spout the “no sex till marriage” thing, because it’s not something I believe in, and frankly, it doesn’t work. I won’t hide my past from her, or try to lead her to believe I was a saint until I met her father and then again until the birth of her baby sister (who has a different father, so that whole “saint” thing really wouldn’t work).

I had no one to discuss sex with when I was a teenager. No one except my friends who were just as clueless and hormonal as I was (remember that phrase, “young, dumb and full of cum”? yeah). So here I am, trying to be the parent I wish I’d had, without dumping my own personal issues on my kid. Will it work? Who knows? My three rules/hopes/mantras for my girls: Be your own woman, don’t get pregnant (preferably ever, or at least until after 30), and travel the world. If one of them turns out to be a lesbian (I see hints of it in the baby), I’ll be even happier, but sticking to these three goals – it just helps me sleep. Don’t judge me.

How do you raise a young black woman to take sexual ownership, responsibility and pride in her body, in her womanhood, in a world where women’s bodies, minds and spirits are constantly attacked and devalued? It seems as if all the things I’ve read from Audre Lorde, Patricia Hill Collins, and bell hooks have completely left me. I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m freaking the hell out. But I am determined to be an open source of information, reference, guidance, and understanding. I’ve let her know that the door is always open and I’m always willing to talk and share, and what I don’t know we’ll find out together. And maybe I’ll revisit some of that bell hooks with her. I guess that’s all I can really do….

Embracing your Darkness

 

Do you embrace your dark side? Do you know what lives there? I love my dark side. She manifests in the form of complete and total apathy and detachment. If you make her mad, she won’t yell, she wont break things, she wont even try to get revenge. She’ll just cut you off, create a reality in which you do not, nor did you ever exist. She doesn’t give a f*ck. Not about you or your feelings. She’s ice cold, like the subterranean black cave where she dwells. She cares about one thing and one thing only – me.  She will do whatever needs to be done to make sure I am protected. She is not a physically intimidating woman, but she will f*ck with your mind and if she so chooses, your heart. She is a vixen who can and will use her sexiness as a tool to manipulate. For the most part she exists in a pretty healthy balance with her lighter counterpart; she comes out only when necessary. But sometimes, she just does her own thing.  I do not try to repress or deny her. I know that as a human being, she is what makes me who I am.

In thinking about my dark side, I started doing some blog searching and came across the piece below, that talks about the need to not only acknowledge but embrace your dark side, for the health of your existence.

You can find the original in it’s entirety here:

http://www.bobbiemel.com/blog/bid/82643/Afraid-of-the-dark-4-lessons-to-help-you-embrace-your-shadow

Afraid of the dark? 4 lessons to help you embrace your shadow

Posted by Bobbi Emel on Thu, May 03, 2012 @ 11:02 AM

First, a story:

In Ursula K. LeGuin’s classic fantasy novel, A Wizard of Earthsea, one person has power over another by knowing his “true name.” So it is that the people of Earthsea all go by nicknames, only revealing their true names to those they trust with their lives and hearts.

The story is told of a brash young wizard named Ged (his true name), who, in a vain show of his immature power, accidentally unleashes a dark spirit-monster from the depths of the other world. Ged is severely wounded by the creature which then flees into the night.

Upon recovering, Ged finds himself in mortal fear of this creature and, when he again encounters it, runs away and continues to run as the creature follows wherever Ged goes.

Returning to his first great teacher, Ged is told that he must learn the true name of the thing that hunts him in order to defeat it.

“The evil thing, the shadow that hunts me, has no name,” Ged whispers with resignation.

“All things have a name,” his teacher responds with certainty.

Finally, Ged realizes that he must confront the dark creature in order to stop running and return to living a whole life – or die.

Now the hunter becomes the hunted as Ged chases the dark mass, finally catching it in the middle of the sea. Ged approaches the thing and, as it morphs into hideous, ever-changing dark shapes with sharp claws and dagger teeth, Ged reaches for it.

The black spirit hisses and moans but Ged, finally facing the truth, calmly calls it by its true name:

“Ged.”

The mass quivers and allows Ged to embrace it, pulling it into his body, the shadow and Ged now as one again.

What can we learn from the story of Ged?

1. We tend to run away from the dark things we conjure up that have wounded us terribly.

How many times have you done this? Created – inadvertently, perhaps – a situation in your life out of immaturity or not knowing yourself well enough that ends up hurting you dreadfully?

Perhaps it is a relationship that becomes toxic, the scars of which you carry and which cause you to run from all intimacy.

Perhaps it is poor choices you made when younger that you continue to flee from rather than stop and see the lessons you learned from them.

2. You must face your shadow and name it or you will always run from its power and terror.

Ged finally recognized that the monster from which he was fleeing was the darker part of himself, his shadow.

Are you still running from your shadow? Perhaps you were hurt by someone else long ago and yet your shadow side continues to hang onto the hurt. You have been running away from this for a long time, afraid of what would happen if the shadow caught up to you.

Do you you need to forgive yourself?

Stop. Look at what you are running from. Call it by your own name and realize it is a part of you.

3. You must not only face your shadow, you must embrace it.

You may spend a lot of time running away from your shadow, denying that you have one, or trying to get rid of it.

As Ged so wisely realized, the shadow is an integral part of you and needs to be welcomed and embraced. Accepting yourself is not only about celebrating your good qualities, but embracing the darker side of you: the flaws, quirks, bad habits, less-than-noble thoughts, and negative emotions that are as much a part of you as your sunny side.

It’s okay to continue to grow personally and bring light to your darker characteristics. But realize that, because you are a member of the human race, part of you will always be shadow.

Embrace your shadow.

4. You are not whole without your shadow.

All the energy and effort you put into denying your shadow only delays your experience as a whole, complete person.

Live a free, meaningful life as shown in this passage from the end of A Wizard of Earthsea. (Ged was accompanied on his journey to find his shadow by his trustworthy friend, Estarriol.)

“Estarriol,” he said, “look, it is done. It is over.” He laughed. “The wound is healed,” he said, “I am whole, I am free.” Then he bent over and hid his face in his arms, weeping like a boy.

Estarriol began to see the truth, that Ged had neither lost nor won but, naming the shadow of his death with his own name, had made himself whole: a man who, knowing his whole true self, cannot be used or possessed by any power other than himself, and whose life therefore is lived for life’s sake and never in the service of ruin, or pain, or hatred or the dark.

Locate: Balance

I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve been stretched as thin as dragonfly wings. Between my regular 9-5, being a single mom, my little independent side job, trying to maintain some sort of social life, and my various volunteer obligations (I just love oxymorons), I feel like Michael Keaton in Multiplicity, without the (dis?)advantage of the actual cloning machine.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m enjoying all of the things that I’m doing. I’m learning new things and meeting new people all the time. But honestly, all I really want to do is lay in bed for about 3 months and dream of intergalactic travel and my alternate life in Atlantis…and eat hot fries, vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and drink wine (yes, it’s that time of the month).

When I lived in Louisville, Kentucky (for a dreadful 15 years), I was always bored because there was nothing to do. Well, I should say there was nothing that I was interested in doing that I hadn’t already done a million times. I wanted to be involved in things, I wanted to live the fast life, always on the go, always meeting new people, acquiring new skills, and making some sort of name for myself. In short, I wanted to feel productive and progressive and engaged. I wanted to feel like life existed outside of work and motherhood. I wanted to feel important.

As soon as I moved to Atlanta, I got my wish. I’ve met some amazing people who are involved in and have introduced me to a million and three different projects that they all seem to handle with ease and no dark under-eye circles. I really don’t know how they do it. Granted, none of them are single-handedly raising a two year old drama queen, but just thinking about some of the things these women do without tiny ones makes me want to crawl under my bed and never come out. But I try to match them as best as I can. And so far, I’m doing okay. Though I have to admit, while I don’t miss Louisville itself, I miss my lazy days spent there walking through the Highlands, hanging out on the great lawn at the Waterfront Park, and staring at the moon and stars from the roof of the Actor’s Theatre building. And it’s not like I can’t do that here, but I don’t.  The energy around me is always moving, always flowing, and I feel like if I don’t keep up I’ll drown…

Why do we do this? What is the deal with this Superwoman Syndrome that way too many of  us suffer from (from which way too many of us suffer? As a copy editor, I should know this. Whatever)? Why is this country so deeply invested in always being busy, always doing something? Just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you’re productive, and being productive doesn’t always give the appearance of being busy. Why don’t we ever take the time to just chill, just be still, to just be? We work ourselves until we’re sick, saying “I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” or “Sleep is for losers,” when the reality is that sufficient sleep is a key factor in optimal health and the more multi-tasking an individual does, the less likely each of those tasks will be done at top-quality level (that’s a statistical fact – I just don’t remember where I read it and I’m too tired to look it up).

So now I’m trying to bring myself to a healthy balance of staying active and involved, and simplifying and minimizing my life. Life is about maximizing time spent on the important things, the things that matter most, not just filling your time with events and activities just because. That’s one of the main reasons why I deleted my Facebook page about two weeks ago. That’s a huge thing for a self-admitted FB addict. But I haven’t missed it and I haven’t looked back. I’m also focusing on the things I love most, like spending time outside with my daughter (I found a lake – YAY!), reading, editing and watching movies. I enjoy my volunteer opportunities, but I won’t be dedicating as much time to them as I was. And the socializing will be cut to a drastic minimum. No parties unless I really need to get out and shake something; and focus will be on strengthening the bonds I’ve created since I’ve moved here, as opposed to trying to create new bonds. At least for now. Eventually, when my heart is ready, I’d like to make sure I have quality time for my future wife (Meshell Ndegeocello – if you’re reading this, I’m talking to you, honey), and of course, and maybe most important, time to eat ice cream in bed and dream of intergalactic travel and my alternate life in Atlantis.

How do you maintain balance in your life?

Have you ever felt the need to do more than you already do?

Do you find it hard to say no to people who require your time or other resources?

What is one way you could simplify your life right now?

Blog By Nitra

Dating 101 In My New Singledom

I really don’t want to be THAT blogger that writes about her break up and works out her emotional journey for the world to see… But, I am that blogger and coming to terms with that was the only recourse I had.  Either come to terms with it, or battle it.  And lord knows I don’t have the energy for battles, especially ones with myself.  Working it out in my head hasn’t been working as well as I thought it would , so let me share and hopefully by the end of this blog, I’ll have some miraculous Ah -Ha moment that will rival Oprah and change my life forever..  LOL

My pattern is that I find my way from one relationship to another but then get lost in the trapping of love, falling head over heels, into hearts, arms, beds and their dreams.  I support them to the max in everything they do and forget that there was a Me before there was an US. Just like the good little co-dependent Pisces I was raised to be.

But that pattern was broken in my last tumble with love.  It started out that way, but then I had a “wake the hell up” moment about 2 months into it and realized that I couldn’t repeat this same pattern again.  The problem was, we had already established OUR patterns and my revelation played no part in the expectations she had for our relationship.  So three years, several break ups and a whole lot of stress later, I stand alone.  And honestly it’s the best place I have been in a long time.

Sure, I battle loneliness, fight the desire to hide in seclusion and struggle with the cravings for intimate connection.  But after the last three years, I’m rather enjoying the stillness.  It’s simple, it’s peaceful, and it’s calm. Even my dog has grown from this all.  From the time I got him, he battled with anxiety.  I couldn’t leave him in the house alone without him howling and hollering.  I had to put him in the bathroom when I went to work so he wouldn’t disturb the neighbors.  But now, he simply goes to his bed and lays down when I leave.  It’s as though he feels the shift in the energy at home.

I’m at this very nice place and I’m tossing around the idea of dating again.  Not anything serious and not with just one person. I’m not interested in cultivating a serious relationship, but I am very interested in building friendships with women, that may have romantic undertones that I can carelessly flirt with so that when I’m ready for a relationship again, I can choose a friend rather than a stranger.

So how do I do that?  We as women have been conditioned to always be on the mate hunt. One date to the other, we are evaluating, planning, hoping, wishing, day dreaming and building sand castles in the sky about the next date, phone call, connection, love note and Facebook wall post from our love interest.  Why can’t we just date?

Some people approach dating with a mission in mind.  They tell themselves, “I’m going to weed out all the bad dates and then narrow it down to my favorite and the one that makes the cut will be my new Boo..  God that sounds exhausting. I’m not judging because I have done this myself and know first hand that this mission becomes like a 2^nd job..

But what if you approached it like this?

1.  Set Your Standards But Release Your Expectations.  I always hear women saay, If you don’t have any expectations, how do you define what you do and don’t want?  I think understanding what these are separately will help to put them to play in your life.  Standards are a simple list of what you do and don’t want.   They are your boundaries. They are about you.  Expectations are the about the other person.  They are the scenarios you make up in your head about that other person should be doing.  Calling you, Facebooking you, introducing you to all their friends, calling you boo, etc…  STOP IT..  You are only setting yourself up for disappointments.  Define within yourself what you want then just let it flow.
2. Be In The Moment.  Enjoy the hug you give and get when you meet each other for the evening.  Feel the hug, the energy, the embrace.  But then let it go.  Don’t worry about where it goes from there.  Engage yourself fully in the conversation.  If you are in your head, trying to figure out where it goes from here, you will miss opportunities to REALLY hear what your date is saying.  At the end, enjoy the embrace as you leave each other.  Maybe there is a kiss, maybe not.  But just be in the moment and be thankful for that moment.  Get out of your head.
3. Date More Than One Person.  This not only gives you options for Friday night, but also takes the pressure out of the whole process.  If you are truly dating without expectations, then you can enjoy each person for who they are without them having to meet your mold.  Because admit it ladies, we will set our target on someone and completely ignore who they are.  We deceive ourselves about their true character because we so badly want them to fit this mold we have constructed for them.  Dating more than one person gets rid of this.  You can see them for who they are because they are not the only ones you see.   Does that make sense?
4. Be Honest About Where You Are.  So often we don’t want to tell people that we really aren’t ready for a relationship for fear they won’t ask us on a 2^nd date.  But let that fear go. I believe that being ready to date and enjoy your singleness is a very different place than being ready for a relationship.  And who knows, they may be in the same place.  So be honest, it’s the most healthy thing you can do.  If you are not honest, you may find yourself a year into a relationship you weren’t ready for and then it’s too late.  It happens to the best of us and it’s disguised as falling in love.  But when you know you are not ready, trust that.  You will be grateful down the road.
5. Be Clear About The Level Of Sexual Activity That Is Comfortable For You.  Dating multiple people doesn’t mean you are boinking several people. But then again it may. I don’t think anyone has the right to judge or say what you should and should not do.  The key is to be honest.  There is less drama in honestly.  So if you have one person, three people or no people as options for that intimate human connections, it’s your life and your vajayjay.  So discuss it with your partner/s and walk upright with pride in whatever you determine is right for you.   Let go of other peoples definitions of what they think “good gurlz” should do because chances are, they are doing it to, just are not as honest about it.
6. Remember You Are Your Most Important Lover.  At least once a week, have dinner and a movie with yourself, or whatever other activity that is just yours.   Don’t be so on the hunt for dates, that you neglect the one that is most important.  Learn how to enjoy your own company, your own thoughts and your own activities.
7. Ask The Universe/God/Higher Power For What You Want .  Don’t spend time speaking or thinking about what you don’t want, spend that energy asking for what you do want.  It’s the good ole’ Law of Attraction.  Understand your own power of manifestation and put what you want out there.  I promise it will start to show up. 

The most important point to remember is to Just Be You..  People are either going to like you or they are not.  If they do,  Awesome.  If they don’t, Awesome…  Now that I’m single and ready to mingle, I plan to use every one of these.  Happy Dating!!!

Have any of you these methods before?

Tell us about a time you had expectations for a date or relationship and it didn’t go the way you wanted.

How do you feel about dating multiple people? Be it one, two or five?

What are some of your favorite Me Dates?

Do you have any other feedback on this blog?  We love your opinions.

Blog By Michelle

Scary Mommy Manifesto

I found the following blog on Huffington Post, and thought it was a great “go-along” to the Mommy-centered blog I wrote last Wednesday.  It’s an excerpt from “Confessions of a Scary Mommy: An Honest and Irreverent Look at Motherhood: The Good, The Bad, and the Scary” by Jill Smokler. Published by Gallery Books. You can follow Smokler’s blog at www.scarymommy.com

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jill-smokler/scary-mommy-manifesto_b_1365609.html?ref=parents

Please solemnly recite the following before proceeding:

• I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things motherhood, for without it, I recognize that I may end up institutionalized. Or, at the very least, completely miserable.

• I shall not judge the mother in the grocery store who, upon entering, hits the candy aisleand doles out M&Ms to her screaming toddler. It is simply a survival mechanism.

• I shall not compete with the mother who effortlessly bakes from scratch, purees her own baby food, or fashions breathtaking costumes from tissue paper. Motherhood is not a competition. The only ones who lose are the ones who race the fastest.

• I shall shoot the parents of the screaming newborn on the airplane looks of compassion rather than resentment. I am fortunate to be able to ditch the kid upon landing. They, however, are not.

• I shall never ask any woman whether she is, in fact, expecting. Ever.

• I shall not question the mother who is wearing the same yoga pants, flip-flops and t-shirt she wore to school pickup the day before. She has good reason.

• I shall never claim to know everything about any child but my own. (Who still remains a mystery to me.)

• I shall hold the new babies belonging to friends and family, so they may shower and nap, which is all any new mother really wants.

• I shall attempt to not pass down my own messed up body issues to my daughter. She deserves a mother who loves and respects herself; stretch marks, cellulite and all.

• I shall not preach the benefits of breastfeeding or circumcision or home schooling or organic food or co-sleeping or crying it out to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It’s none of my damn business.

• I shall try my hardest to never say never, for I just may end up with a loud-mouthed, bikini clad, water gun shooting toddler of my very own.

• I shall remember that no mother is perfect and my children will thrive because, and sometimes even in spite, of me.

Do you have your own Mommy Manifesto? What would you add?

ADVICE FOR EVERY MARRIED COUPLE

Hi I am sharing this essay written by my mentor I believe it gives good advice for any married couple no matter if its male female or same sex…Benny

By Minister Zylphia

Excellent Advice For Every Couple

1.CHERISH YOUR WIFE. RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND.

The core emotional need of a woman is to be cherished. This is the husband’s number one responsibility. That means making her feel loved and appreciated, that she’s your number one priority.

A man’s core emotional need is to feel respected by his wife. When he comes home, he wants to feel that there is at least one person in the world who thinks he’s got what it takes. That means getting off the phone when he walks in the door.

2.TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE GOOD FRIENDS

Under the marriage canopy one of the seven blessings given to the bride and groom is that they should become “beloved friends.”

The hallmark of friendship is that each person validates and respects the other person’s feelings and needs. Validation means: What’s important to you is important to me. It’s a key way to make your spouse feel loved.

3. REMEMBER THE FOUR GOLDEN WORDS: LISTEN, COMPROMISE, REPAIR, AND GRATITUDE.

Agree to keep one basic rule at the beginning of your marriage: No matter how upset you are, never launch a verbal attack. Fighting with insults only makes problems worse and erodes the relationship. Instead, implement the four golden words:

Listening: It’s essential for working together and solving problems. Allow your spouse to speak without interruption and then repeat what has just been said. This reassure your spouse that he or she was heard.

Compromise: Strive to solve problems where both of you are happy with the solution. Neither one should feel coerced into accepting the other person’s point of view.

Repair: When you hurt each other emotionally, repair the breakdown and remove the lingering feelings of anger and resentment. Aim for 100% reconciliation. A little resentment multiplied 50 times can create a wall of bitterness.

Gratitude: You can never say thank you enough to your spouse. Try to notice everything your spouse does for you and acknowledge it with sincere gratitude.

4. ESTABLISH STRONG BOUNDARIES

Your spouse is your number one priority – not your parents, relatives, friends, children, work, or hobbies. Set strong boundaries that show you value your marriage and don’t allow anyone or anything to weaken your relationship.

That means meeting your spouse’s needs before your parents’ needs, coming home with enough time left in the evening to have quality time together, and inviolate date nights.

5. GIVE EACH OTHER PLEASURE DAILY

Marriage is ultimately about making each other feel good and striving to give your spouse pleasure on a daily basis – on his or her terms. If she says she likes lilies, don’t bring her roses because you think they’re more romantic.

Learn how your spouse prefers to be given to – whether it’s physical affection, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service (like helping out in the house, running errands) or spending quality time – and get in the daily habit of doing it.

You’ll enjoy giving more than receiving

The Mom Factor

During my pregnancy with Bean I went through a period of high anxiety. “Oh my GOD, what have I done?! I can’t believe I’m pregnant! Am I ready to do this all over again? I’m not that great of a mom to Chicken and now I gotta prove myself to TWO?! I shouldn’t have had that third drink. God, I’m already broke enough as it is!!!” and so on and so on. The really scary thing was that I thought I was the only one who went through these periods of extreme anxiety and self doubt.

Thankfully, I found a group of preggo mamas on http://www.babycenter.com and I found out that I wasn’t alone. I suppose that because of our anonymity, we were more open and honest with one another about our feelings. More honest and open than we would ever dare to be around our closest friends and family. It seemed like every mom in the June 2009 Birth Club went through periods where she was literally losing her shit. This was most common with preggos who already had a child. We already have firsthand knowledge of how rough motherhood can be, yet we get – okay put – ourselves in situations to do it all over again, like some psychopaths. Sleepless nights? Yes please! Feeling unappreciated and often unloved? Oooh, that sounds yummy! Having your name forever changed from that oh-so-unique name your hippie/ghetto/drunk parents gave you to “Mom”? YES – give it to me NOW!!! By the way, I can totally understand why some parents let their kids call them by their name. Mom is so common, so bland, and so often emotionless when spoken. But guess what my kids call me? Yeah, anyway…

But we do it again. And for some, again, and again, and again. And it’s not like we don’t have options. Condoms are free. Sometimes the pill is too. All kinds of preventable methods exist. And if those don’t work, there are other options. You know what I’m talking about. Okay, I won’t say it, I’ll just say it rhymes with shmasmortion. And you know what? I’ll be honest with you all; I considered it. Hell, I even made an appointment. I am a firm believer in a woman’s right to choose what goes on, inside, through and to her body. But I couldn’t do it. I got all the way up there, fought my way through the “Save the zygote” Jesus preaching Pro-Lifers/Anti-Choicers and made it inside the front doors, but couldn’t even put my name on the check-in list. So I cried all the way home, still pregnant.

Over the next 7 ½ months I went through ups and downs, excited then scared. Euphoric then nihilistic. So in an attempt to boost my spirits, I reached out to my friends, to get some motivation, to help myself understand why I decided to become a parent again. I got some interesting answers, as varied as the crazy-ass people I consider my friends. But one thing that I noticed was a common theme of learning. As a parent you are taught SO much, especially about yourself. Some parents choose not to listen or look at what their children are (indirectly) showing them, but there are so many learning opportunities we parents receive. And I think that one of the most important things we learn is unselfishness and selflessness. They are not the same thing. Some people have one or the other, or both and one is greater than the other in that individual. Personally speaking, I am one of the most selfish people I know. I will give a homeless man the last dollar in my pocket, but I hate to share my ice cream, and I love to go shopping, just for me. But I can’t – at least not without an immense feeling of guilt. I must shop for my children as well as myself and that includes groceries. I haven’t yet conquered it, but I’m forced to work on it constantly. So I know I haven’t quite reached selflessness.

And when I say selflessness I don’t mean completely losing your identity and independence to your role as a parent. I mean understanding that you are part of a bigger picture. It’s about more than you. You are not Beyoncé and the rest of the world is Kelly and Michelle. It’s bigger than you will ever be able to conceive, and you base your actions on that. Now, you don’t have to be a parent to grasp this reality. There are millions of people who “get it” and have never and will never bring a child into this world or raise one. Hell, I think more people should go that route. But for some of us, maybe it’s the only way we can get it. Through our struggle to be the best parents we can be; we try our best to keep one more kid off the stripper pole or the streets or keep their visits to the therapist to a minimum when they are older. Through this we change ourselves, and we help change the world. And not everyone will get it. There are some obvious examples of bad parenting everywhere you look. But for every Wacka Flacka there is a Talib Kweli. For every Santorum there’s a John Brown (Google him). For every Nicky Minaj, there’s a Michelle Obama.

So when I go through my panic modes – and yes, I still do sometimes – I remind myself that it’s all part of the plan, the bigger picture. I must do my part in making an impact on the world. And that may or may not be made manifest in my children. All my phenomenal, Claire Huxtable-esque, mistake-free parenting may backfire. I may say or do one thing that clicks something in one or both of them that changes the whole game. God forbid, but this is a very possible reality. But something that I say or do will have a positive effect on someone, whether great or minor, and it will lead them to do the same to and for another and so on and so on. And it will be without a doubt, a result of my learning process as a parent.

So when I’m going toe-to-toe with my 2 year old drama queen who is shedding huge rainforest storm sized tears because  she cant wear her sandals in the middle of winter, or my 13 year old pitches a new-teen fit because I won’t let her spend her entire day playing Tomb of Death or whatever massacre video game her dad bought her, or I’m just dog-fucking tired and it’s only 5pm and I swear I’m one breath away from the nuthouse, I remember the big picture, visualize my weekend, check for my red wine stash and I push through.