Know When To Take Off Your Cape ~ Guest Post

Superwomen, at what point do you say “enough is enough” and take off your cape? Dr. Chandler discusses the events that led her – or forced her – to loose her cape, and leave it behind altogether.

http://www.forharriet.com/2011/02/meet-ex-superwoman-why-i-had-to-divorce.html

Yep, I’ve decided to get a divorce! No, not from a significant other, husband, friend or job. It’s a more important divorce. This divorce is not amicable or mutually decided upon. It is due to irreconcilable differences. Those differences are many, but they all boil down to one issue: I will no longer be a Superwoman!

Sure, I’ve been quite committed to this relationship for over 40 years, 43 to be exact. I’ve ensured that the expectations thrust upon her – from within and without – were not only met, but exceeded. But I’ve done so at a great cost to my health and well-being.

You see, the Superwoman had no problem taking too much, doing too much, and being all things to everyone in spite of the cost. She had no problem diminishing (and sometimes extinguishing) her light so as not to disturb those that were too insecure to stand in the shadow of its shine. Her time was rarely hers to do with as she pleased. Her time was filled up with leaping tall buildings in a single bound, even on a broken leg. She is – she was – a Superwoman. But she was a fictional character created by history, confirmed by her experiences, and perpetuated by the internalization of numerous oppressions.

What led to the divorce, you ask? Here’s my recollection…

“I’m committing you.” I thought I heard what the psychiatrist said, but after several nights of insomnia, a lasting bout of overwhelming depression and an episode of PTSD that left me hallucinating at various times of the night, I wasn’t completely sure I’d heard him clearly. “I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is what you need. Your depression is in need of intensive therapy; therefore, I’m committing you.”

Yes, he said what I heard. All I could think of at the time was that this psychiatrist was just misdiagnosing the severity of my situation. I’d been here before, maybe not in the hospital, but I’d dealt with this situation before. I pulled upon the strength I’d been taught since childhood; what I MUST do in order to make it as a Black woman. I’d been taught that above all else, Black women had to be strong and not look to others to do what they could do for themselves– which seemed like virtually everything.

This I could do for myself, right?

My mom was strong in that she held down the job that took care of our health insurance while simultaneously being the majority breadwinner in our family. How can I not handle a little depression? Most of the women I knew growing up took care of children (whether there was a father in the home or not), worked, helped others in their family and community, and did so in the face of whatever health/financial/spiritual/emotional challenge that came their way. And there was always something going on. Therefore, I had to deal with my issues and “keep it moving.”

During the last couple of years of graduate school I began dealing with mild symptoms of PTSD and progressively raging insomnia. During my undergraduate years, I dealt with depression and anxiety manifesting in various health issues, especially my worsening asthma that once landed me on life support.

This was not new. In my mind, I would just get a prescription and some sleep and keep moving. If I’d gotten through all of that, I had to be strong, right? Even after finishing a PhD in three years and obtaining my first tenure-track job prior to finishing – even dealing with all of these issues, I could still keep it together, right?

Every Black woman I knew in college was doing the same thing, and they had boyfriends/husbands/children, etc. I was blessed, wasn’t I? I’d established myself as a strong, independent, more than competent, trustworthy individual that always overachieved by demonstrating I could “bring it” whenever necessary. I’d earned a fellowship and assistantship to pay for school. I worked full-time while finishing my other two degrees. I was blessed?

I was an upwardly mobile African-American woman achieving the American dream and demonstrating that I could be a credit to my race. I didn’t have children out-of-wedlock (or in wedlock for that matter). I wasn’t “shacking up” with anyone (which would have definitely landed me in the dog house with my Baptist-pastor father) and I was even a preacher that was active in ministry. Sure, I’d seen great models of support in the lives of many of my white female counterparts in school. But, these folks came from a legacy of entitlement by virtue of their ethnicity. Their parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents had either been college graduates, business owners, landowners, or had attained middle to upper-middle class status at least third to fourth generations ago. I would be the only person in my family achieving a Ph.D.

I also came from a heritage of strong Black women. We always worked and took care of everybody. We always made it happen without complaining. We walked through life with a steely determination to do our best, because we couldn’t expect that help was available. All we had to do was depend on God anyway, right?

So, this psychiatrist could not have understood my position, especially because he was a white male with no experience being an African-American female in a career that historically neither supported nor affirmed a performance that did not reflect a superhuman display. Did this shrink not know that I had to be in class the coming Monday? Did he not know I had two writing projects to finish, a search committee to organize, students to assist with academic and life problems, emails to respond to, bills to pay, an unkempt apartment to clean, and on, and on, and on? How would this affect my standing in my department? How would this effect acquiring tenure?

I certainly could not be perceived as not being able to handle the position I worked so hard to attain, even before receiving my PhD? There was no way I could be committed to a psychiatric hospital in order to deal with my ongoing depression and PTSD. He didn’t understand that, once again, I needed to just suck it up, take my medicine, pray, and keep it moving. I had to keep up my positive reputation and being in a psychiatric hospital – especially since Black women are never crazy, just angry – would not work for me. So I responded, “Is that a suggestion?” He emphatically stated, “No. This is an involuntary commitment. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but Dr. Chandler, I think this is the best thing for you so that you can get your life on track. You deserve to do so.”

Deserve?! This guy didn’t understand what my history taught me that I deserved. What my experiences taught me was that I deserved to be what Zora Neale Hurston so eloquently titled, “the mule of world.” Was I not a superwoman that could handle anything because the combination of my history, examples and experiences told me I could do so? 

There I was. When confronted with my humanity in such a way that I could not deny it, I was actually freed to relinquish the superhuman strength that resided in my mind and not my body. I was a human with a human challenge that when faced with acceptance, no judgment and care could be overcome. This was my on ramp to balance, shamelessness, self-care, and self-love. What looked like a situation in which I was forced to be, with no way out, was actually my way in to freedom and wholeness. I just had to take it in spite of the consequences that could potentially come my way. I deserved it.

There you have it! The confession of an Ex-Superwoman. The divorce was hard; however, it had been coming a long time. Now that I am living post-divorce, I must say I’m having the time of my life! Is everything perfect? Hell-to-the-NO! Is this the perfect life for me–YES! In the coming months, I’ll be detailing what life is like now that I’m no long a Superwoman.

I hope in the few moments you’ll take to read my posts, you might find a few answers, a few nuggets to provoke your thoughts, and some good ‘ol challenges to what has become status quo in your life. If need be, I hope you’ll be brave enough to get a divorce from your superhuman self as well.

Here’s your challenge: Go back into your personal phone booth. Take off that cape. Pull off your mask. Unzip and step out of the superhero suit. Now, look at your reflection in the glass. WOW! WHAT A WONDERFUL SIGHT!

Dr. Kimberly J. Chandler is an Assistant Professor of Communication Studies at Xavier University of Louisiana. She received her doctoral degree from Wayne State University and her research interests are in gender and communication. Specifically, she looks at the performance of gender and African American masculinities as well as Black women and identity negotiation. You can find her blog at http://exsuperwoman.wordpress.com/

How To Deal WithOut Motivation AND Be Happy

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed and lacking motivation. Its hard for me to write and its even harder to work.  Having just experienced the final breakup to my on again, off again, I think I’m entitled to feel this way.. Some call it a pity party, I call it just dealing and embracing my emotions so that I can heal and move on.

In looking for guest posts for this week, I came across this blog and thought it was perfect.  I know I’m not the only one feeling like that, so I’m sure this will touch someone like it touched me.  So I want to thank New Day Lifestyle for this right on time blog.

To View The Original Blog Click Here 

Of course, I like to think of myself as energetic and passionate and driven…but every now and then I feel that I run out…of fuel to drive me. NO, not like I don’t want to live – I just run out of ambition, forget the normally constant desire to become something better that I currently am. I hear it happens to everyone.

Actually, I read about it – again, in the book by Barbara Sher (Wishcraft). She claims everyone, including the most successful people go through lows and highs and actually claims the most successful ones have even more extreme lows and highs. And they take maximum advantage of the highs and know how to deal with the lows, know that the lows are just part of the process. Also read about this in a blog a couple of weeks ago…the same idea compared to the process of surfing. The “high” is when you are riding the wave and everything seems to magically align to take you closer to your goal, to put the right circumstances across your path, to make you meet the right people…the “low” is when you reach the beach, need to turn around and start paddling against the ripples of the waves – takes some hard work! The author suggested the trick is to be aware of the cycle, to understand that it is all normal and part of the process, that the paddling is necessary before one could enjoy the wave. And just like surfing – it’s not perfectly timed. Some waves are better than others and take you further and some times you need to summon your patience and wait for a while for a good wave. But it’s all there – the potential of many many waves to come.

There have been times when I seriously questioned my sanity or at least my normality. I thought I was rather exceptional with my highs and lows. I could not understand myself – how I could be so focused, motivated, devoted, hard-working and successful at some times (or…as I like to think…most of the times) and then feel lazy, useless, sloppy and incapable of anything noteworthy at other times. Also, it is weird that those can last for different durations. As in, sometimes the “cycle” will happen in just two days and other times it takes more than a month.

So confusing as all this still is to me, a couple of things are clear:

1. This is really not helpful. I have goals and dreams and I want to go out there and get them, I want to make them happen (high). That is until I don’t want to do anything anymore (low). This inconsistency really messes things up. I make plans and I count on work getting done but then find myself completely resistant to the idea of working.

2. I cannot just push through it. When I hit a low…I just cannot force myself to act in the same way as when I’m working at full capacity. I can manage…but I don’t excel.

3. I need some coping mechanism. And there must be one too!

So I’m thinking…if I cannot be my normal efficient self…then perhaps all I could do is surrender to the low. Accept that it is there and there is no way ignoring it or trying to act all “business as usual”. Then all I have left to do is try and make the best of it. You feel like you have no motivation for anything? It is fine! Really, people don’t die because of being demotivated (we have instincts to make sure we eat and drink and sleep even if we cannot find motivation for anything else). Now, one important trick here is not to try and kill time doing pointless things – if anything, that only makes the whole situation worse as it makes me feel more useless and more incapable. And trying to do anything “nice” (physical exercises, learning something useful, being useful to others) is out of question because those require at least some motivation. So…the final solution:

Do a little bit of something you enjoy doing. Do some more. Then just indulge!

If the only things you enjoy doing are mountain hiking and white water rafting but the effort of organizing it all seems too much then…tough luck! But I am sure most people have a nice favorite activity that is easy to at least just start. I like to read fiction. So when some 2 weeks ago I hit an especially annoying patch of “don’t feel like doing anything productive” I went on amazon and ordered myself the Hunger Games trilogy. Been reading it for the past three and a half days and just finished the last pages. And somehow…sinking into the books…forgetting the rest of the world…just me doing something I enjoy…it has rejuvenated me. Really. I have indulged and it has left me satisfied and rested – something even the Easter holiday could not achieve. And now, I feel like a perfect new wave is just coming.

What are some ways that you get your motivation back when you feel its missing?

When feeling a lack of motivation, do you beat yourself up or do you embrace it for what its worth?

Has a short-term lack of motivation ever turned into long-term depression for you?

How did you pull yourself out of the depression?