I spent a lot of time in my last relationship blaming her for the crazy that lived with us. It all belonged to her. Now deep down I knew I harbored some responsibility for the way things were, but her crazy was so much worse than my crazy… Right?
Looking back I remember the first night we met. It was magical for me. Literally the minute I saw her, the universe stopped, everyone around her disappeared and instantly, it’s as if my soul connected with her soul. And all this before I even spoke to her. We spoke, she took my number and then throughout the night we ran into each other, exchanged small talk and made a promise to connect the next day. All the while I stirred inside like a school girl. There was something magical about her and I needed to get close to it. Now I know what it was.
My crazy was attracted to her crazy. Yes there was physical attraction and all the stuff that goes along with meeting someone for the first time. But this was deeper. This spoke to the demons and battles I had long thought to be buried and conquered.
There is a saying that, the universe will continue to bring you that which haunts you until you truly kill it. I’m speaking about our own Crazy. Those emotional issues from child hood, traumatic experiences or previous relationships that prevent you from being free in mind and spirit and stops your ability to let go and love so that you can prosper in your future relationships, both romantic and plutonic.
What was my crazy? It was the need to care for women. The needed to fix women. I needed to feel needed and then validated by the fact that I was much better off than they were and therefor my crazy wasn’t as bad as her crazy… Isn’t that just crazy??? LoL, and after all that needing to be needed, my other crazy was becoming resentful that she needed me so much. Why couldn’t she just be independent and not need me. I told you, IT WAS CRAZY!!!
I know where it stemmed from. My mother, her addiction and the codependency and caretaking I learned as a child. Being the child of an addict, I learned this very early and I learned it very well. I became an unknowing professional, “Captain, Fix a Woman”… This relationship was subconsciously so comfortable for me. Not because it was easy and made me feel happy or joyous, but because, subconsciously it made me feel right at home. I was always caring for my mom, making excuses for her behavior and compensating for her shortcomings. I was so angry for having to do this, but then felt like I was better than her because I could take care of not only her life but mine as well. CRAZY!!!
This pattern would play out in so many of my relationships. Looking back it’s so plain to me. I had a therapist tell me once that I dated women that resembled the relationship I had with my mom. I heard her when she said this, but I really didn’t understand it until I met someone whose crazy spoke to my crazy. And what I realized is that the root of all dysfunctional relationships is that crazy knows crazy. Now, please understand I’m not calling myself crazy, nor my ex crazy. She is actualy a good person who has her own level of crazy just like we all do. I’m simply saying that our internal crazy spoke to and related to each other. Because our subconscious was connected in dysfunction, it made the physical connection even stronger and the subsequent breakup the hardest I have ever had in my life. And now I realize that it wasn’t because it was just her I was breaking up with, but my own crazy. I finally decided to break up with MY CRAZY!!!
Breakups before this one were easy. It was because they were assholes, or cheaters, or emotionally unavailable, or played games or were this or that.. It was always their fault. I compartmentalized very well and moved on with a quickness. But this one, I had to look within and stop the insanity that kept me repeating the same patterns over and over again.
So how did I break up with my crazy? If I could put it into a simple formula I would say the following.
- I Admitted I Had A Crazy – The self-mirror is the hardest to look into. I had to be honest with myself this time. It wasn’t all her fault. I brought my own crazy into this relationship.
- I Recognized the Crazy Patterns- The same pattern kept showing up in my life. It wasn’t me being a victim, it was me victimizing others with my crazy and that action invited crazy back my way.
- I Stopped The Crazy– I just woke up on day and was done with the crazy. I control my time on this planet and I can choose to continue my crazy or stop it dead in its tracks. It’s completely up to me.
- Get Professional Help – Sometimes we can see our own crazy and sometimes we cant. If something just isn’t right and you can’t seem to fix it. See a therapist. They are great for helping you discover the crazy in you.
- Know Your Crazy Well – Once you have battled your crazy, never let its memory die. Understand it well and when you meet someone with a crazy that speaks to your old crazy, run the other way.
- Find The Positive – I realized that my need to help and save women is not all a bad thing. It’s actually a very good thing. But my original motive perverted the intended mission. It was unhealthy and lacked boundaries. But now, I help women in a way that is healthy. A Gurlz Guide is the healthy manifestation of breaking up with my Crazy and finding the positive in it all. A Gurlz Guide gave me motive to break up with my crazy and use the lessons for good. How could I have a Facebook page, a blog and even books about helping woman if it was motivated by my crazy? A Gurlz Guide saved me.
It seems simple but believes me it’s anything but. Facing your own crazy and making the decision to break up with it is the hardest journey of your life. We all have our own crazy. It’s there; you just have to look for it. So if you find yourself not getting ahead in relationships or work or friendships or whatever, look for your own crazy and make the decision and do the work to break up with it.
Ps. I want to publicly say to my ex.. I’m sorry for bringing my crazy. I now realize it was a major contributor to our down fall. I own it and I’m very sorry. I wish you well in your life and only send you good energy and light.
Blog by Michelle
A Gurlz Guide 