The Courage to be Imperfect

Disclaimer: This blog post is kind of all over the place. But that’s okay. Enjoy…

i’m working on allowing myself to not be perfect. i’ve never considered myself a perfectionist, but i’ve been told (and now admit) that i have a strong need to control. This need for control, for making sure everything is perfect keeps me very hesitant to doing new things, out of fear that i won’t do it right, that i’ll mess up, that i’ll make a fool out of myself. i have a problem being vulnerable. do i see it as a weakness? probably. yeah. i dont like being weak. i dont have time to be weak. along with my own journey, my own demons, i have two young black daughters to raise in a world that sets out every day to tell my girls that they have no worth. I have to have my sh*t together for all of us. So weakness, and therefore vulnerability, is unacceptable in my world, as a mother, and as a woman *pops collar and straightens cape*. These are the thoughts that pass through my mind when i’m dealing with trying to embrace my vulnerability, my imperfections. it’s hard for me to open myself up to the possibility of ridicule. i dont know if it comes from my childhood and wanting everything to be perfect now because they were so f*cked up back then, or what.  I keep saying I’m not a perfectionist because perfectionists aren’t perfect, and I want to paint a perfect picture so I can’t be a perfectionist *did that make you dizzy? it kind of made me dizzy* …

Earlier this year, I participated in a production of the Vagina Monologues, and it was one of the most exciting yet scariest things i’ve done in a while. i’m all for white-water rafting, zip-lining and adrenaline-rush activities that could very well lead to my death, but when it comes to performing in front of an audience, opening myself up to be seen and heard, all that Leo bravado that I’m supposed to have hides around the corner and peeks out. But, I did it.  I messed up some, and I dont think anyone noticed. But after it was all said and done, I didn’t care. I only cared that I did it even though I was scared. I was proud of myself for not running away and giving up (which I considered several times). Instead, I embraced my vulnerability, my fear of being imperfect and took it on stage with me.

Brené Brown, who I now call my virtual therapist, has a famous video of her TED talk on vulnerability, and another on shame. She talks about how being vulnerable is necessary to living a complete, whole-hearted life. i absolutely love her talk (and now i love her), and i’ve posted it here. it’s a good 20 minutes long, but it’s so worth the watch and listen. Make the time; it could change your life.

 

Thankful for the Darkness

I couldn’t think of anything to write today, so I started going through my journal, looking for something I had written in the past. I tell my journal everything. I’ve had it since 2002, so a good 10 years. As I skimmed my earlier entries, I found myself transported back into a time in my life where I was filled with self-hate, low self-esteem and downright nihilism. I dealt with depression, suicidal thoughts, internal conflicts about being a mother. I didn’t feel worthy of love. I actually wrote that someone was better than I am and had no reason to love me…Wow.

I have come a loooong way since then. I don’t really know what did it; I can’t name a specific incident or person that awakened me to the beauty that is me. When I think about it, it was a community of people, a collection of incidents, just life itself. I’m actually thankful for those dark times. It tested my fortitude. I know that I’m strong enough to handle what life throws at me. I’m thankful that I didn’t give in to my suicidal tendencies. I’m thankful that I allowed life to play out. I’m thankful that I’ve grown and that I continue to grow. I know many people my age and older who have not gotten out of that dark, depressing well of self-hate. Some people say I can be a little too sure of myself. Hell yeah. After I’ve been where I’ve been, I’d be a fool not to know how amazing I am.

I still get the blues sometimes. I get down. I retreat into my cave. But never to the depths that I was back then. I’m glad I keep my journal; when I was younger I would throw them away. I can only imagine what I’d find if I read my entries from middle and high school (the torturous years). I wish I’d kept them, at least to give to my daughter to show her that everyone goes through it, but the point is to come through it.

I don’t write in my journal as much as I used to. As I’ve said in a previous post, I’m a lot busier than I used to be 2,3 years ago. But I definitely plan to make more time for it, and other things that aid in my blossoming. Writing has saved my life.

Blog By Nitra

In Full Bloom

The word is out about dani Blooms and I am so thankful! I recently did a motivational call and over 100 of you guys attended! Dream Chasers were united and had the realization that they are not alone. We all have our reasons on why our life is where it is today. Once you recognize why than you can find the proper tools to use to get you back on track. Which leads me to my post:

What is a life coach : simply put, I am someone to guide you back on the path you originally wanted to take. It’s not secret that life has a way of well getting in the way. It’s easy for us to give up on our dreams when other things need our attention. Be it our kids, our partners or our jobs we just don’t have time to focus on us as often as we like. But if that “dream” or “big idea” is still lingering than the universe is telling you to do something with it!

My job as a life coach is to help you figure out where you want to take this life and challenge your thoughts on why you can or can’t fulfill this. Then together we come up with a action packed plan to get you there.

It’s about teaching you new ways to make choices that create a more effective, balanced and fulfilling life. Saying what you want to do is the easy part, but doing it takes a serious amount of courage and focus.

Lets get real! How many time has the New Year come around where tell yourself “THIS IS MY YEAR, I’M GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN REGARDLESS” but that energy quickly died down by february… ? It happens, we need a coach or a friend to help us stay on track. Some can easily quit their job and open a boutique at 26 because they were tired of putting their dream on hold while others may feel the same at their jobs but need a more strategic plan to fulfill that dream.

A Life Coach’s job is to help you do that. Someone to hold your hand along your way, figure out where you went wrong in the past and get your life back In Full Bloom. Thankfully, Every week I bring a new client to the state of enlightenment … by the time you get there your decision on life and the direction you want to take is not based on safety and fear anymore, It’s about commitment and accountability… to yourself!

While some Life Coaches have a more aggressive approach I stay true to who I am and offer a more peaceful journey because the reality is it’s about you tackling fears and motivating yourself, I’m just here to show you that you had it in you all along!

Take the time today to remind yourself why your dreams matter. Visualize where this dream can take you and do something today to ignite the fire for this dream… it can be a small step or a big one. But today is your day to take action.

If you are interested in getting on a free call with me, sign up here: Free Call with dani Blooms

Your dreams do matter, together lets ignite your passion and get your life back In Full Bloom.

dani Blooms
In Full Bloom, Life Coach

678-310-Live (5483)
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It isn’t the things that happen to us in our lives that cause us to suffer, it’s how we relate to the things that happen to us that causes us to suffer – Pema Chodron

Self-esteem and Black girls

In the spirit of my blog on self-esteem last week, I am posting a link about The Beautiful Project, a program that uses photography and workshops to build self-esteem in Black girls. After her mother’s death, photographer Jamaica Gilmer interviewed the women in her family about the times they struggled with identity and how they developed their notions of beauty. This project is the result of their responses.

 

What was the focal point of your teasing as a young child? How did it affect your self-esteem?

Were you a bully in school? Did you tease classmates or neighborhood kids?

What influences helped you to strengthen your sense of self as you matured into an adult?

Do you still battle issues with your self-esteem? How do you combat the low points?

Just the way I am

I have been growing my locs now for almost five years. I get comments on them from time to time, and when I do, I’m always reminded of how they came to be.

I have been natural since I was about 20, almost 13 years ago (wow). And I’ve always thought locs were beautiful, but the first time I made an attempt to try them out for myself, I got discouraged as I went through the “unmanageable” phase. If you have locs or have witnessed someone’s loc journey, you know that in the beginning stages, for a long period of time, your hair is like an unruly teen. It looks a mess, never listens to you, and does what it wants to do. Being a black woman and the granddaughter and best friend of hair stylists, I was always self-conscious about how my hair looked. So when I went through the crazy loc phase, I ended up taking my locs down and going back to my fro. I tried this 3-4 more times with the same results. I felt defeated.

A few years later, I started dating a guy with locs (remember this), so I thought I’d try again. This time I felt that I was all the way ready. I’d had a few years of self-esteem boosting and internal pep rallies and I was ready to go. I had the support of my lover…until I got to the crazy phase. The new me charged through it, but he was uncomfortable about the way that I looked. He didn’t like my hair being so untamed. Now, if you read up just a few lines, you’ll recall that he ALSO had locs, and went through the same crazy phase himself. But because I was his lady, I had to look “decent” at all times. And when I opened my eyes to this, I also saw that he had a certain expectation about how I should dress and talk, as well as what I should be studying in graduate school. Because I loved him, I went along with it. I combed my locs out and went back to my curly fro. I dressed “appropriately” and started reading the books he gave me.

As time went on, I could no longer remember who I was. All I knew was that I was his woman. That is, until he decided to leave.  At first, I was heart-broken – I cried for weeks on end. But one day, I woke up and realized that I was free to be myself again. I realized that I loved myself EXACTLY as I am, and his leaving was the best thing he could do for me and my sense of self. I started my locs that day and haven’t looked back since.

It has taken me a long time to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. I was the “ugly duckling” when I was younger. I was teased frequently for my big lips and big eyes and “white girl” voice and light skin. It had a nasty effect on me until about high school. As I grew, I worked on me, and this experience with my ex showed me how solid a woman has to be in her sense of self whether she is in a relationship or not. People will try to change you to fit the mold of who they think you should be. And I’ve learned that they’ll do it because they have their own insecurities that they want you to fix. It’s not your job. We are here to work on ourselves to manifest the light and divinity within us. When we learn to love ourselves exactly as we are, we attract those who are walking that same path. When I look in the mirror at my locs, it is a constant reminder of the journey I have traveled in learning to love myself. And when I’m ready to cut them, I won’t give a damn what anyone thinks about it.

 

Have you ever felt you needed to change who you are for a person?

Have you ever changed your hairstyle or style of clothing just to suit your mate?

How did your experience growing up affect your self-esteem?

How do you manage the balance between compromise and becoming someone you are not?

Do you accept people exactly as they are, even if they’re not who you want them to be?