Dating 101 In My New Singledom

I really don’t want to be THAT blogger that writes about her break up and works out her emotional journey for the world to see… But, I am that blogger and coming to terms with that was the only recourse I had.  Either come to terms with it, or battle it.  And lord knows I don’t have the energy for battles, especially ones with myself.  Working it out in my head hasn’t been working as well as I thought it would , so let me share and hopefully by the end of this blog, I’ll have some miraculous Ah -Ha moment that will rival Oprah and change my life forever..  LOL

My pattern is that I find my way from one relationship to another but then get lost in the trapping of love, falling head over heels, into hearts, arms, beds and their dreams.  I support them to the max in everything they do and forget that there was a Me before there was an US. Just like the good little co-dependent Pisces I was raised to be.

But that pattern was broken in my last tumble with love.  It started out that way, but then I had a “wake the hell up” moment about 2 months into it and realized that I couldn’t repeat this same pattern again.  The problem was, we had already established OUR patterns and my revelation played no part in the expectations she had for our relationship.  So three years, several break ups and a whole lot of stress later, I stand alone.  And honestly it’s the best place I have been in a long time.

Sure, I battle loneliness, fight the desire to hide in seclusion and struggle with the cravings for intimate connection.  But after the last three years, I’m rather enjoying the stillness.  It’s simple, it’s peaceful, and it’s calm. Even my dog has grown from this all.  From the time I got him, he battled with anxiety.  I couldn’t leave him in the house alone without him howling and hollering.  I had to put him in the bathroom when I went to work so he wouldn’t disturb the neighbors.  But now, he simply goes to his bed and lays down when I leave.  It’s as though he feels the shift in the energy at home.

I’m at this very nice place and I’m tossing around the idea of dating again.  Not anything serious and not with just one person. I’m not interested in cultivating a serious relationship, but I am very interested in building friendships with women, that may have romantic undertones that I can carelessly flirt with so that when I’m ready for a relationship again, I can choose a friend rather than a stranger.

So how do I do that?  We as women have been conditioned to always be on the mate hunt. One date to the other, we are evaluating, planning, hoping, wishing, day dreaming and building sand castles in the sky about the next date, phone call, connection, love note and Facebook wall post from our love interest.  Why can’t we just date?

Some people approach dating with a mission in mind.  They tell themselves, “I’m going to weed out all the bad dates and then narrow it down to my favorite and the one that makes the cut will be my new Boo..  God that sounds exhausting. I’m not judging because I have done this myself and know first hand that this mission becomes like a 2^nd job..

But what if you approached it like this?

1.  Set Your Standards But Release Your Expectations.  I always hear women saay, If you don’t have any expectations, how do you define what you do and don’t want?  I think understanding what these are separately will help to put them to play in your life.  Standards are a simple list of what you do and don’t want.   They are your boundaries. They are about you.  Expectations are the about the other person.  They are the scenarios you make up in your head about that other person should be doing.  Calling you, Facebooking you, introducing you to all their friends, calling you boo, etc…  STOP IT..  You are only setting yourself up for disappointments.  Define within yourself what you want then just let it flow.
2. Be In The Moment.  Enjoy the hug you give and get when you meet each other for the evening.  Feel the hug, the energy, the embrace.  But then let it go.  Don’t worry about where it goes from there.  Engage yourself fully in the conversation.  If you are in your head, trying to figure out where it goes from here, you will miss opportunities to REALLY hear what your date is saying.  At the end, enjoy the embrace as you leave each other.  Maybe there is a kiss, maybe not.  But just be in the moment and be thankful for that moment.  Get out of your head.
3. Date More Than One Person.  This not only gives you options for Friday night, but also takes the pressure out of the whole process.  If you are truly dating without expectations, then you can enjoy each person for who they are without them having to meet your mold.  Because admit it ladies, we will set our target on someone and completely ignore who they are.  We deceive ourselves about their true character because we so badly want them to fit this mold we have constructed for them.  Dating more than one person gets rid of this.  You can see them for who they are because they are not the only ones you see.   Does that make sense?
4. Be Honest About Where You Are.  So often we don’t want to tell people that we really aren’t ready for a relationship for fear they won’t ask us on a 2^nd date.  But let that fear go. I believe that being ready to date and enjoy your singleness is a very different place than being ready for a relationship.  And who knows, they may be in the same place.  So be honest, it’s the most healthy thing you can do.  If you are not honest, you may find yourself a year into a relationship you weren’t ready for and then it’s too late.  It happens to the best of us and it’s disguised as falling in love.  But when you know you are not ready, trust that.  You will be grateful down the road.
5. Be Clear About The Level Of Sexual Activity That Is Comfortable For You.  Dating multiple people doesn’t mean you are boinking several people. But then again it may. I don’t think anyone has the right to judge or say what you should and should not do.  The key is to be honest.  There is less drama in honestly.  So if you have one person, three people or no people as options for that intimate human connections, it’s your life and your vajayjay.  So discuss it with your partner/s and walk upright with pride in whatever you determine is right for you.   Let go of other peoples definitions of what they think “good gurlz” should do because chances are, they are doing it to, just are not as honest about it.
6. Remember You Are Your Most Important Lover.  At least once a week, have dinner and a movie with yourself, or whatever other activity that is just yours.   Don’t be so on the hunt for dates, that you neglect the one that is most important.  Learn how to enjoy your own company, your own thoughts and your own activities.
7. Ask The Universe/God/Higher Power For What You Want .  Don’t spend time speaking or thinking about what you don’t want, spend that energy asking for what you do want.  It’s the good ole’ Law of Attraction.  Understand your own power of manifestation and put what you want out there.  I promise it will start to show up. 

The most important point to remember is to Just Be You..  People are either going to like you or they are not.  If they do,  Awesome.  If they don’t, Awesome…  Now that I’m single and ready to mingle, I plan to use every one of these.  Happy Dating!!!

Have any of you these methods before?

Tell us about a time you had expectations for a date or relationship and it didn’t go the way you wanted.

How do you feel about dating multiple people? Be it one, two or five?

What are some of your favorite Me Dates?

Do you have any other feedback on this blog?  We love your opinions.

Blog By Michelle